Momento Monty Python - 6

It All Happened On The 11:20 From Hainault To Redhill Via Horsham And Reigate, Malmesbury, Tootingbec And Croyton West

(Sir Horace lies dead on the floor. John and Lady come into the room, which is nicely decorated. They are both dressed in nice older style clothing, as are the later characters)

Lady: Anyway, John, you can catch the 11:30 by Hornchurch and be at Beasing at one o'clock. Oh, and there's the buffet car and…oh! Daddy! (sees Sir Horace on the floor)
John: My hat! Sir Horace!
Lady: Has he been…?
John: Yes, after breakfast but that doesn't matter now he's dead.
Lady: Oh, poor daddy.
John: Looks like I won't be catching the 11:30 now.
Lady: On, no, John, you mustn't miss your train.
John: How could I think of catching a train when I should be here helping you?
Lady: Oh, John, thank you. Anyway, you can always catch the 9:30 tomorrow. It goes by Catterham and Chipsted.
John: Or the 9:45, that's better.
Lady: Oh, but you have to change at Lamb's Green.
John: Yes, but there's only a seven minute wait now.
Lady: Yes, of course, I forgot it's Friday. Oh, who could have done this?
Lady Partridge: Come and hurry up Sir Horace! Your train leaves in 28 minutes and if you don't catch the 10:15, you won't catch the 3:45 and that means…Oh! (eyeing Sir Horace)
John: I'm afraid Sir Horace won't be catching the 10:15, Lady Partridge.
Lady Partridge: Has he been…?
Lady: Yes, after breakfast.
John: Lady Partridge, I'm afraid you can cancel his seat reservation.
Lady Partridge: Oh, and it was back to the engine, fourth coach along so that he could see the gradient signs of Swansbourgh.
John: Not anymore, Lady Partridge. The line's been closed.
Lady Partridge: Closed?! Not Swansbourgh!
John: Yes, I'm afraid so.
Inspector: Right, nobody move. I'm Inspector Davis of the Scotland Yard.
John: My word, you were here quickly, inspector!
Inspector: I took the 8:45 Pullman Express from Kings Cross. And missed that bit around Hornchurch.
Lady Partridge: It's a very good train.
Lady: Yes, a very good train.
Tony: (bounding through the french doors of the background) Hello, everyone!
All: Tony!
Tony: Where's Daddy? …Oh golly! (seeing Sir Horace) Has he been…?
All: Yes, after breakfast.
Tony: Then he… he won't be needing his reservation for the 10:15.
John: (Accusingly) Exactly!
Tony: And I suppose, as his eldest son, it must go to me.
Inspector: Just one minute there, Tony. There's a small matter of…murder!
Tony: Oh, but surely he simply shot himself and then hid the gun.
Lady Partridge: How can anyone shoot himself and then hide the gun without first canceling his reservation?
Tony: Well, I must dash or I will be late for the 10:15.
Inspector: I suggest that you murdered your father for his seat reservation.
Tony: I may have had the motivation, Inspector, but I could not have done it for I had only arrived at Gillingham at 8:13 and here is the restaurant car ticket to prove it.
Lady: But the 8:13 from Gillingham doesn't have a restaurant car!
John: It's standing buffet only.
Tony: Did I say the 8:13? I meant the 7:58 stopping train.
Lady Partridge: But the 7:58 only arrived at Swindon at 8:19 owing to annual point maintenance at Wisbourough Junction.
John: So how did he make the connection 8:13 which left six minutes earlier?
Tony: Simple, I caught the 7:16 football special which arrived at Swindon at 8:09.
Lady: But the 7:16 football special only stops at Swindon on alternate Saturdays!
Lady Partridge: You surely mean the holidaymaker special.
Tony: Oh yes! How daft of me! I took the holidaymaker special calling at Bedford, Colmworth, Fenton, Sutton, Fen Ditton, Wallingworth, and Gillingham.
Inspector: That's Sundays only!
Tony: Damn! All right, I confess, I did it. I killed him for his reservation. But you won't get me alive! (Tony tears for the door) I am going to throw myself onto the 10:12 from Reading.
John: Don't be a fool, Tony. Don't do it. The 10:12 has the narrow traction bogies. You wouldn't stand a chance!
Tony: Exactly!

Voice: That was an excerpt from the latest west end hit, "It all happened on the 11:20 from Hainault to Redhill via Horsham and Reigate, Malmesbury, Tootingbec and Croyton West." The author is Mr. Neville Shunt.